Talking to myself…

It’s been a funny old year so far.   Greeted on 1st February with the news that my 3rd redundancy in 2 years was about to happen, followed by the weird experience of getting 5 job interviews and missing out on all of them.   A very weird experience to come so close, so many times, and miss out.   Particularly considering the financial climate in the voluntary sector right now with social care funding being cut to the bone – getting even one interview is quite something.  

It finally got me thinking that there might be a message that I wasn’t getting, and it was actually time to stop.   THAT was a big decision.   Been working since I was 16; thought I’d work until I die – but it seems not.   So now I have to build a new life.  Again.   Funny old world.

It has been an interesting transition from an employee and anxious worrier, to a person with a peaceful life and no bugger having any control over any aspect of it – apart from me.  

Still not there yet, but slowly things are making sense and some kind of healing process seems to be happening as life has calmed down.  First the flu, then the anxiety: panic attack, palpitations and chest pain (and a nice trip to A&E in an ambulance!) to complete the set.    Seems like a post-work clearout.  Just like in the old days when I was working and a full-time carer at home – I used to get the flu every single time I took any leave.   This seems like the same sort of thing – but as I’ve been off work a lot longer this time, the anxiety has had time to come to the surface and clear (hope it’s clear anyway!).  Other times I’ve been unemployed I was so wired about survival and job-hunting that the stress owned me totally, just like being in work.   

But now I am learning to take it easy – without feeling guilty (a very big ask) – and I am at college, playing with coloured glass and making jewellery – two things I have put off for years, if not decades..  All of a sudden I realised that now is the time I have been waiting all these years for, to have a go at things I never had time or head space for before.   And they are my first baby steps in remembering what fun might be.   Life has been so serious for so long that I have forgotten all about it… 

Goodness knows what the future is going to bring, I am just taking it a day at a time and doing what’s in front of me – when I feel like it!

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